Team shortlist31 Dec 2015 AT 10:27 AM

5 New Year’s Resolutions you won’t keep

Stand-up Ray Addison is back with some important demotivational messages
Team shortlist31 Dec 2015 AT 10:27 AM
5 New Year’s Resolutions you won’t keep

So 2016 is here and it's gonna be the year you change your life! A chance to clean the slate; put right what's wrong and release the awesome potential of you... There's only one snag. Making New Year’s resolutions is completely pointless. Here are five that you can forget about right now.

1. WEIGHT LOSS
Every year since you were born you've got fatter and fatter... so now it’s time to start exercising! The only problem is you’ve also got tireder and tireder, making any chance of sweating your way into shape about as likely as turning down a plate of chips. So instead of wasting money on a pointless gym membership you’ll never use, finish off those lovely mince pies in the cupboard. They’re only slightly stale.

2. WORRYING LESS
Why do you worry so much? Because you’ve got problems friend… BIG PROBLEMS! From your job to relationships, your life is a wreck and things can only get worse in 2016. If you think that having a positive attitude will make you feel better, you’ve got another thing coming. It won’t be long before that black dog is barking in your ear demanding to be fed… Now who’s gonna feed that dog? See, more problems!

3. KEEPING UP WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS
“You don’t call… You don’t write… We hardly ever see you!” That’s your mum. Feeling the pain of abandonment that’s caused by you, because you’re too busy to stay in touch. “I’ll be better next year mum… I’ll call you every week and twice on Saturdays!” That’s you making promises you’ll never keep. To think you used to kiss your mother with that lying mouth. At least she’s spared that now that you’ve disappeared half-way around the world.

4. QUIT SMOKING
In the Middle East, there are plenty of smokers left. And plenty of smokers who think they can quit at any time. The best way isn’t patches or pills, you just have to go cold turkey. Unfortunately, nothing goes down better after a plate of cold turkey than a delicious cigarette. And that’s why you’ve got no chance. Sure, you might last a week or even a month without the evil weed, but soon enough you’ll find yourself puffing on a sneaky gasper in the garden. Say hello to Emphysema… If you’re lucky.

5. CHANGING YOUR CAREER
Your boss doesn’t appreciate you and your bank balance is always in the red. So you’ve decided to get a new job in the New Year… Think again! Desperately hunting for work when there are school fees and rent cheques to pay is about as stressful as it gets, and let’s face it, if you were any good, you’d already be successful. No… you’re much better off staying where you are. Dubai has got quite enough Life Coaches, thank you very much.

Follow Ray Addision at: dubaicomedian.com and @BritComDubai

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